Wednesday, November 2, 2011


I went to an all woman's college in Upstate New York or what I thought was upstate because I got lost the first time visiting and it took me over 2 hours to get there. Anyway, they say women flourish educationally in a same sex classroom environment and that's why I chose my Alma Mater- not because hot local guys flocked to the hill in bus loads to see the new Freshman in town and definitely not because I would meet hot West Point Cadets.

At this school I spent the most wonderful years of my life; feeling grown up, meeting my future ex-husband (not a West Point Cadet), going through life changing experiences, and meeting wonderful women whom I thought would be in my life the rest of my life.
I had great roommates and floor-mates and did crazy things together. We drank too much together, met guys, fell in love and got each other through break ups. I loved these women as my sisters and had a lot of them in my wedding party.

I met my husband-to-be at a local college bar (where else are college students supposed to meet people- am I right?) Anyway, it was a regular love affair where I was loved by his family and he was hated by mine. I guess that you could say that by today's standards it was a short engagement- we were together less than 2 years from the day we started dating to the day we got married. I thought I was happy. Exactly like Kim Kardashian, I got caught up in designing my own dress and making all the preparations, I also donated the 18 million dollars I received to my favorite charity :/
...Anyway, I was so caught up that I didn't notice or really ignored all the comments from my bridesmaids. After the wedding or maybe even during the party I found out that my so called best friend commented on how my marriage wouldn't last very long and other sorts of horrible opinions. I don't know if the rest of them agreed or what happened but after the honeymoon no one came to visit and see my new house. No one met up with me after work for drinks. No one congratulated me when my son was born 2 years later and no one consoled me when I got divorced. I did keep in touch with a couple of the the girls for awhile, Christmas cards every year until those too stopped coming.

I finally came around to joining FB a few years ago mostly to keep in touch with family overseas but also to find people I really wanted to find. I search for people every once in awhile when I get nostalgic and consider befriending everyone again and then I come to my senses. Well, over the weekend after a few mojitos, nostalgia set in again and I found many of the girls I was friends with back in college and also found that they were all still friends with each other. They all visit each other and know each others' husbands and children. What gets me the most is that they are all spread out through out the country and still manage to keep in touch and see each other. Since so many years have gone by I felt that this year with all the changes I'm trying to make I would reach out and befriend at least the 2 people I kept in touch with the most- No regrets.
I got a very quick and excited response from both of them that made me feel great. They both said that they had been looking for me and were glad to finally see me on FB. I've since gotten a request from someone else I was never great friends with but whom I did know back then and secretly wished we were closer.
Know that we are friends, ( at least on FB- and that's for real yo) I have this deep feeling of failure once again. Reading all of these women's profiles and seeing that they are all married and have kids and have their own businesses makes me realize that I was the one who dropped out of life when I was going through my divorce. I was one of the first to get married and the first to get divorced and it was a great big check-mark for failure. I was embarrassed and felt like I wasn't enough, and in part, I still don't.I 'm glad I'm reconnecting but I'm also wary and cautious and feeling all the regret I swore I wouldn't feel.

I should feel great about what I have accomplished so far in my life but in this FaceBook age of over inflated profiles, feeling less than adequate is really hard to overcome. I have restricted my old NEW FRIENDS access to my profile, already putting "butts" on what could be great friendships & new beginnings and I don't know what to do. I thought I hated being anti-social but now I'm not so sure, and I feel like shit.
What to do, What to do?? I did start by making a list (albeit a short one) of what I have accomplished so far just to feel better and you can check it out here. Please share some things you have accomplished in your life that you think are pretty awesome and any advice is always welcome.

 "Meditation, it's better than sitting around doing nothing"

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