FACE BOOK MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT :(

 

I went to an all woman's college in Upstate New York or what I thought was upstate because I got lost the first time visiting and it took me over 2 hours to get there. Anyway, they say women flourish educationally in a same sex classroom environment and that's why I chose my Alma Mater- not because hot local guys flocked to the hill in bus loads to see the new Freshman in town and definitely not because I would meet hot West Point Cadets.

At this school I spent the most wonderful years of my life; feeling grown up, meeting my future ex-husband (not a West Point Cadet), going through life changing experiences, and meeting wonderful women whom I thought would be in my life the rest of my life.
I had great roommates and floor-mates and did crazy things together. We drank too much together, met guys, fell in love and got each other through break ups. I loved these women as my sisters and had a lot of them in my wedding party.

             

I met my husband-to-be at a local college bar (where else are college students supposed to meet people- am I right?) Anyway, it was a regular love affair where I was loved by his family and he was hated by mine. I guess that you could say that by today's standards it was a short engagement- we were together less than 2 years from the day we started dating to the day we got married. I thought I was happy. Exactly like Kim Kardashian, I got caught up in designing my own dress and making all the preparations, I also donated the 18 million dollars I received to my favorite charity :/
...Anyway, I was so caught up that I didn't notice or really ignored all the comments from my bridesmaids. After the wedding or maybe even during the party I found out that my so called best friend commented on how my marriage wouldn't last very long and other sorts of horrible opinions. I don't know if the rest of them agreed or what happened but after the honeymoon no one came to visit and see my new house. No one met up with me after work for drinks. No one congratulated me when my son was born 2 years later and no one consoled me when I got divorced. I did keep in touch with a couple of the the girls for awhile, Christmas cards every year until those too stopped coming.

I finally came around to joining FB a few years ago mostly to keep in touch with family overseas but also to find people I really wanted to find. I search for people every once in awhile when I get nostalgic and consider befriending everyone again and then I come to my senses. Well, over the weekend after a few mojitos, nostalgia set in again and I found many of the girls I was friends with back in college and also found that they were all still friends with each other. They all visit each other and know each others' husbands and children. What gets me the most is that they are all spread out through out the country and still manage to keep in touch and see each other. Since so many years have gone by I felt that this year with all the changes I'm trying to make I would reach out and befriend at least the 2 people I kept in touch with the most- No regrets.
I got a very quick and excited response from both of them that made me feel great. They both said that they had been looking for me and were glad to finally see me on FB. I've since gotten a request from someone else I was never great friends with but whom I did know back then and secretly wished we were closer.
Know that we are friends, ( at least on FB- and that's for real yo) I have this deep feeling of failure once again. Reading all of these women's profiles and seeing that they are all married and have kids and have their own businesses makes me realize that I was the one who dropped out of life when I was going through my divorce. I was one of the first to get married and the first to get divorced and it was a great big check-mark for failure. I was embarrassed and felt like I wasn't enough, and in part, I still don't.I 'm glad I'm reconnecting but I'm also wary and cautious and feeling all the regret I swore I wouldn't feel.

I should feel great about what I have accomplished so far in my life but in this FaceBook age of over inflated profiles, feeling less than adequate is really hard to overcome. I have restricted my old NEW FRIENDS access to my profile, already putting "butts" on what could be great friendships & new beginnings and I don't know what to do. I thought I hated being anti-social but now I'm not so sure, and I feel like shit.
What to do, What to do?? I did start by making a list (albeit a short one) of what I have accomplished so far just to feel better and you can check it out here. Please share some things you have accomplished in your life that you think are pretty awesome and any advice is always welcome.

 "Meditation, it's better than sitting around doing nothing"

WHERE WAS I?... AHH YES MY LIST

October is really supposed to be a fun month, one I have always enjoyed because of Halloween and the candy but mostly because the crisp weather and the beautiful autumnal colors caressing the leaves as they get ready to make their transition early in the morning make me feel alive and rejuvenated (insert bird chirping sound effect here). It's also a great month because it's usually when I have 4 day weekends because of all the Jewish holidays at work. I try to catch up with my whatever it is I was doing that I never got to finish, like a good book, house cleaning, rest, doctor's appointments and exercise.

So I went back to my Zumba classes that I take with my dear sister and I don't know what it is but something is seriously wrong and at this point I think it's with me. Normally I think it's with everybody else but I'm all out of ideas. I kind of led onto how my sister and I talk about things in My Life...It's Killing Me! so you guys know that it's always a touchy and tense "conversation" when ever we meet up and usually very, very short.

When I say I'm out of ideas I mean I have no idea what the fuck to do in order not to punch her in the nose and send her flying across the room. I revert to the only thing I do know how to do because I've done it all my fucking life- just shut down, become quiet and get the hell out of wherever I am with her. Needless to say I did not enjoy the class the way I normally do and I only went through the motions and curtailed it outta there. So much for controlling toxic relationships.

Something else that I haven't been practicing or doing as well as I would like is speaking up when someone insults me or offends me. I've had that happened 2x already at work in the past 2 weeks by the same asshole who isn't an asshole, normally; and the first time I said nothing and today I said something but It was enough. It fell on deaf ears and it stayed with me the rest of the day- so now I don't like him and I will avoid him like the plague. Isn't that a great idea? I think so!

Well let me tell you what happened so you guys can help me. He buys lunch EVERY single day and it's always something new and doesn't mind letting people try whatever it is he's eating- more like he pushes you to try it. Pushes and pushes until you say yes and give in. He's like a crack dealer- well I've tried his sandwiches a few times and now he thinks we are best buddies or something because he talks to me like we've known each other forever. Today, we are in a group of all women, he comes over and shoves his sandwich in my face. I turn my face, literally, that's how close it was, and say no thanks.
So what does this usually very nice person say??? What is the venom that spews from his fucking lips?????

 ME: No thanks :)
ASS: No? you? turn down food?? miracle!
ME: What the fuck is that supposed to mean??

no response...silence...regular conversation among other women resumes.
Me: boiling inside.

I wish I would have something more- and perhaps the comments wouldn't have really bothered anyone but it hit a raw nerve with me because....because I always know comments like that are directed at my weight, they always have- MY ENTIRE LIFE  I've been hearing shit like that.
So I was more pissed that I didn't say more or kick him in his balls.

What do you guys think I should have done? should I stick to my plan of avoiding him like the plague??? And what do I do about my sister???

"Meditation, It's Better Than Sitting Around Doing Nothing"

MY LIFE...IT'S KILLING ME!

Since I started this blog, I've wanted to be very honest with it and with myself; a sort of a self improvement movement since I turned 40 and the reason for Rubbing My Own Belly.  I of course have never been brutally honest with expressing my own feelings, hiding instead, behind the safety of my silence and now never expecting my own blog being brought up during family arguments.

MIND YO BUSINESS!

 I have met some new people over the last 2 years, mostly women, since I decided to come out of my shell and start living life again. I have become VERY involved lately in my son's new school and became part of so many organizations like I mentioned in my last post I'M SO NOT READY. This is why I haven't been around for a bit making interesting and fucking hilarious posts but now i'm back- i hope.

I had back to school night that lasted over 2 hours last week where I saw the mom's that I met last year but hadn't seen all summer. I have become friendly enough with a lot of them but not friendly enough where they need to suggest that I need a man. Yep, that's exactly what I was told during a "Stop and Chat" with one of the mothers. Apparently the need for sex is written all over my face where she felt compelled to suggest that a man was in order.

She decided to ignore my pissed off /shocked look that I was sporting, perhaps reading it instead as "yes please give me more unwarranted advice on how I really need to get out there and meet a man because I'm too young to be alone" look.

I find it to be so odd that in today's society we still measure a woman's success not by what she has accomplished in her career or in life as a whole but instead by whether she found a guy to marry her and give her babies. 

I went to an all woman's college where we were encouraged to find our own light and reach for the stars and enter the work force and change the world and blah blah blah, which was ok BUT -if you snagged a guy from West Point or Maritime you had really hit it big. I still hear this from some of my younger co-workers where they are so obssessed with who else is getting married in the office or in Hollywood.

I can't help but feel inadequate being the only divorcee/single person in my circle of friends and I can't help but still feel a sting when I say in front of a group of snooty mother's that I'm a single mom. It fades quickly but then I get pissed off. Why the hell do I need a man to feel whole or to be looked at as adequate? I don't. I may be alone but I am not lonely, that's not to say that I don't feel lonely at times. It just really pisses me off when people tell me I need a man.

I don't NEED a man, so MIND YO BUSINESS!!!

I AM SO NOT READY :/

Courtesy of blog.sixreffie.com

OK so here it is,  Labor Day in it's 11th hour and I am so not ready. I'm not ready for Tuesday to be my Monday, I'm not ready for school to start, I'm not ready for summer to be over and I am especially not ready for it to get dark before 7:30pm.

I haven't been posting because I've been trying to get some extra workouts in and just trying to enjoy my last few days of summer-by that I mean I haven't really found anything to write about. I thought I was the most interesting person I knew but I guess I was wrong. I don't want this blog to be a depressive gathering for my friends or a journal about how depressed I am abut being 40. I want to inspire people, help them with what I have learned and share what I know and what I'm going through. So I have been doing some fashion research to bring you the latest and greatest information which I  will try to post that in the next couple of day but I can't guarantee it. I have also been getting back to my meditation and actually working out again- so I will keep you all updated about that.

Since I am working on saying no more often, this also includes saying no to myself although I haven't mastered this yet. Taking on too much just causes me more stress and I haven't been able to say no as often as I would like.

I was nominated as Fundrasing chairperson for my son's soccer team and I've been dedicating a lot of time to that and now school starts and well we know where this is going....m u s t   b r e a t h e!
This week I will be starting my morning meditation and I will let you guys know how that goes. I will also try to post my fashion findings which should be very fun.

Remember: Meditation is better than sitting around doing nothing!

Project: ME

With this week's earth quake, stories left and right of people evacuating their office buildings due to impending disaster, and extreme hurricanes hitting the East Coast by Saturday night, I have started to think about my life and where I am . I've been doing that A LOT lately- I pause what I'm doing, for what seems to be just a minute and think about what I've done, what I'm going to do, what I should have done and what Bear Grylls would do in order to survive an earthquake and any situation life throws at you. (end pause-2 hours later.)

I've been really thinking about happiness lately and things that are important to me. If I were to die tomorrow would I die Happy? Satisfied with what I've done thus far or would I ask for more time?

I'd ask for more fucking time of course because the only thing that I've done well in my life has been my son. My career didn't go as planned, my marriage didn't work out, I'm not seeing anyone and the list goes on and on.

But all these things did happen and I still haven't asked myself if I'm happy or ask what's really important to me and it's because I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of the little voice in the back of my head whispering "what if I've failed?" or "what if I continue to fail?"



I am letting you all know that aside from my son, I AM NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME!
So from this moment on I am starting a new project- ME. I will dedicate time to me, idolize me, work on me until I am so damn happy I will burst. Now I'm not aiming for perfection just progress...

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??

 

I have a problem.... I have this deep seeded need to help other in difficult situations. I feel like I should be the defender of all those who need a translator, advocate, body guard etc.

Of course that gets me in trouble more often than not and causes me much unwanted anger when the favor is not reciprocated.

There is only one art director at my company, but so many other people feel that they too are bosses. It is a creative field I am in and although design is subjective some people are more qualified than others to give an opinion.

I cannot stand when bosses (or pretend bosses) feel a need to put down their team in order to give a sense of authority in front of others. Especially when they are not even qualified to be in the position they are pretending to be in. 

Well this is what happened at work all last week and i just couldn't take it anymore...it really has drained me emotionally and physically. Especially because the person taking the beating stood there and did nothing for herself AND AND to make things worse, instead decided to agree with her boss.

I ended up being the enemy and walking away really really pissed off. 

I need an inner alarm, something that sounds off when I'm about to stand up and defend someone. 

Something that tells me- no, yells SHUT YOUR MOUTH at me every time I'm about to open it on behalf of someone else...

...I'm tired... really really tired. I'm not just saying that metaphorically or figuratively- I REALLY AM TIRED. I can't sleep at night, I wake up every night at 3:30 am and look at my clock. I toss and turn until 6:30 am at which time my alarm starts to go off and I snooze it all the way to 7:30. Meanwhile I have 45 minutes to get ready and get to work- arghhhh!!!! Because of this vicious cycle I have been neglecting my only outlets keeping me sane: My blog and my jewelry.

I have run out of patience and gusto and i want it back!!!! I want to wake up like I can take on the world, like I can kick ass. I try to psych myself into believing that it'll be a kick ass type of day but by 10:30 am I am loosing the fight with my eyelids. 

There is no way i can be creative this way- thus this stupid entry, but I am working on it- promise. I am trying to get back into my juicing, which I will talk about in another blog, back to my regular meditation, exercising and all the other good stuff I was doing. For now please understand that although the summer is a time to relax and recharge, I am having a hard time with that notion, perhaps because it is my 40th one :(